If you noticed I haven’t written anything for our blog yet, it’s not that I didn’t want to. It’s just that I have so much to say and don’t know where to begin. I have so many thoughts running through my head these days. I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced a time in your life when in a single moment changes everything and takes you down a new path.
“Something is wrong with your babies heart. It doesn’t look good.” In that moment, my life changed. After I heard those words, a flood of thoughts and questions rushed through my head and they haven’t stopped yet.
“Excuse me? Did I hear you right? Please explain what this means. Is he going to die inside of me? If he’s born, will he live? Will he die within the first months or years of his life? Will he grow to have his own family and then die? Is there anything else wrong? Did I do this to my baby? This is my third baby and I didn’t take care of myself as well as I did during my other pregnancies. Oh no, what did I do? My poor, sweet boy…I forgot I was pregnant at times because I was busy running around after the girls. Did I not appreciate his existence? I was overwhelmed and didn’t get very excited when I found out I was pregnant again. I’m sorry, Lord. I love him. Please let me keep him. I promise I’ll be a good mother to him. Please! I promise I’ll never take him for granted again. How is this going to change my life? How sick will he be? How is this going to change my girl’s lives? Will I constantly be caring for him and neglect the girls? What will this do to my marriage? Matt’s gone so much. How will I do this alone half the time? I have a wonderful family, how will this responsibility affect them? I need help. I’m so unorganized Lord, you know it’s my weakness. How will I care for him when most babies in his situation are fed through a tube every few hours, for thirty minutes at a time? How many medications will he be on? How many times a day? How will I do all this and keep up with my responsibilities? Lord, I ‘m scared. So scared. Help me.”
These are only a few of the thoughts that have ran through my head since that day. Some of my questions have been answered, and some will be answered with time. Clearly this news has rocked our world, but over these past few weeks I’ve learned a lot and have come to grips with what lies ahead of us. As I look back at so many things, God clearly has His hand in all of this. We’re praying for a miracle, but for now we’re resting in His will. Our family has been called to walk through this and we will do our best, even though it’s going to be really rough at times. We love our baby boy and hope and pray we get to see miracles through his life. We also know the realities of his condition and know the outcome might not be what we would like to see happen. Through it all, we truly have the peace that surpasses ALL understanding (Philippians 4:7). I don’t know if I fully understood that until now. People often ask me, “How do you stay so strong?” Honestly, it’s simple. Christ makes me strong. I trust that He loves and cares for me no matter the outcome. I have so many things to be thankful for. God is so good.