Emotions are powerful. It only takes a moment for them to persuade us closer toward, or further away from what we know or believe is true. If I’m to be transparent, I’ve had a lot of mixed emotions this week, primarily because I’ve felt out of control. There are a few things I dig into (besides the usual Digging Deeper material) when I feel that way. I’ve never laid tile before, so I decided it’d be a good way to relieve some stress. Right. After cleaning up grout at 3:00am, I’m reluctant to do it again soon. As you can see, the tile came out looking better than my hands.
So about feeling out of control… As you know, we brought Bowen home a week ago Monday. We had planned for Sarah’s parents to keep Emmy and Claire for a couple days so that we could focus on getting Bowen re-adjusted to being back at home. Tuesday night, Claire struck up a fever of almost 104 degrees, and much to our disappointment, we couldn’t let the girls be around their brother. As the days progressed, it seemed as though both Claire and Bowen did not. Claire had a hard time shaking her virus, and Bowen became less active and more irritable by the day. We could only describe him as weak, whimpering, and almost sad.
By Sunday, we were finally able to bring the girls home for the first time since Bowen’s surgery, but he still wasn’t acting well. Only one hour after they arrived, Sarah and I had to make the difficult decision to leave them again and take Bowen back to U of M. Our hearts were heavy on our way to Ann Arbor. Unlike last our last drive north, it wasn’t sadness that brought tears to my eyes, but it was a tear of happiness that found it’s way down my cheek. I looked at Sarah and said, “This is why theology matters.” The word theology has a rigid sound, and it certainly doesn’t sound like a word that fits into an emotional conversation. I’ve come to understand that studying God is an essential part of knowing him, and loving him with your mind (Matthew 22:37). During our drive to Michigan I was taken by the beauty, depth, and comfort of knowing what I believe and why. All the wrestling that I’ve done with my faith over the past year, along all the questions to which I’ve sought hard answers, have left me with “blessed assurance.”
Perfect submission, all is at rest,
I in my Savior am happy and blessed,
Watching and waiting, looking above,
Filled with His goodness, lost in His love.
– Frances J. Crosby
When you realize you’re not in control, it becomes clear how important it is to know who is. I’ve come to hold a high view of the sovereignty of God through my struggles. In simple words, I believe that God is in control and do my best to submit my worries into his care.
I know you’re wondering how Bowen is doing today. Judging by this picture I took of him in the E.R., he must’ve thought it was pretty funny that we drove him all the way to Michigan when everything was fine. All of his tests turned out good results, and the doctors are pretty sure nothing major is wrong. We’re still keeping a close eye on him, but he seems to be doing much better. I also think it did his heart well to spend a day at home with his sisters.